this may be my veri last blog before i leave to london.

met wj,yxiang,ys,kl,and zm today.

maybe the last time till 22nd july to meet them.

i will miss them too.

we watch transformers today.

and went home lerx.

i am not gonna go out today lerx.

cos tml i will wait up very early.

to visit my baby daddy's parents=)

cos i will miss them.

and i will head to the shoppin centre near his hse to do my padicure.

and i will meet apple tml to acc her to see some baby stuff and i will get some of my stuff too.

i have quite alot of thing to get for the london trips.

and soon after i finish meetin apple.

head home and bath, and sam, prince, mike sebes and some of our frenx will have a farewell party for mi and derrick.

i noe i will miss everybody.

my family.

i jus feel that i will be goin for a long period thou.

pls everybody, promise mi.

during this period of time, takkaire of urself.

and i hope someone could help to look after my daddy, mummy and brother as well.

msn mi to update about my family to mi.

miss mi then webcam wit mi.

when i didnt online, send mi emails.

i noe that H1N1 is spreading like hell.

but i promise no matter what, i will make sure baby is fine.

is there aniways for mi not to miss home so much like lil garlx now.

my room, my bed, and my things.

of course i didnt forget to pack marley wit mi.

and my medicines.

i am reali givin up lerx.

so this trip is to clear my mind and see how and what i am gonna do for my future.

whoever love and noe mi.

i am no longer mi lerx.

i got no more choice to be who i wanna be.

i too wanna be dote and love by a guy i reali love.

i too wanna be selfish to walk my own life.

is hurting mi so much that i no longer feel the pain.

this is the best i could do.

all i could say is a sorry.

i guess this all will end when i am back from london.

i will stop all my nonesence, i will stop all my immature, i will stop all my crying.

if not for baby, i will never wanna have anithing to do wit his daddy animore.

it puts an end to everything too.

i will face the whole world alone again and tell them, i am sorry.

this is all i can do.

hope everybodi understand too.

no promise i will change my mind.

but for baby i will consider over and over again.

no matter what, i noe i will be wit baby.

even if there is a risk for mi for anithing

wherever baby is, mummy will follow u.

mummy love u alot alot and alot.

gd nite baby,

farewell everybodi.

xuemin

tag replies=)

derrick-thx=), we will be leavin on 28th alreadi. thou u won be able to accompany mi. but thx for bringin mi there.

sam- u are not the first person to say they cried after readin my blog. no matter what, thx for being there for mi.but from now on, i reali wanna learn to walk my own path. i will be all rite de=)

iko- thx babe for ur encouragement. u noe, i miss u thou=) take reali gd care of urself too.

pam- yes babe=) i have link u alreadi. ur baby is cute=) see ya again=) takkaire.

wanqi- thx for ur comforting words=) frenx indeed. meet up soon=)

someone- thx for ur advice, but sorry. i reali needa leave cos is veri suffocating here.

receive news today afternoon.

he pass away lerx.

i couldnt attend the furneral for the sake of baby.

i have went to the hospital for an hr but cryin outside the room.

i couldnt see him.

for the last time.

he fail to fight against his will.

his mum pass mi a letter, wrote by him.

all he wanted is mi to stay happi.

but did he noe?

i feel so sad that i couldnt even get to see him.

for the last time at least to hug him like he use to hug mi.

i suddenly misses him.

i was so quiet today.

i didnt tell anione too.

but when i reach back home i still gotto pretend nth happen.

but shut myself up in my room cryin, lookin into our pics.

he will be the best frenx i ever had.

i am so sorry my dear, so sorry.

u noe if i could change everything.

i will be wit u.

i don wanna be involve in ur will.

becos i don deserve to have ur things.

thanks for lovin mi and sorry i cant love u.

when i saw them pushin u away.

u noe i noe i dont wanna u to leave mi.

where is ur promise.

where are u now.

why u wanna leave mi when i need u.

i need a shoulder to cry on.

but i am still acting so brave infront of frenx.

at around 10 plus.

after settling something at home.

i went to ardmarity to find ys and zm.

ivy came too.

thou they noe i am unhappi.

but they didnt noe my reason.

but still manage to smile and laugh wit them jus for the 3hrs.

they send mi home and i ate the porriage that i wanted mum to cook for mi.

he cook fish porriage for mi once when i am not feelin well.

i wanted to eat.

so i asked mum to cook.

i finish eatin i hide in my room cryin again.

i miss him.

is forever, he is gone forever.

after awhile. i called mike to pick mi up to prince pub.

i am so sorry.

i drink again.

but today i wasnt drunk.

cos everybodi stopped mi.

the min i saw sam.

i cried.

i noe they are very worri.

but i couldnt stop cryin.

i wanted nobodi hug.

but all they could do is to see mi cry.

i don wanna be like a cry baby.

but i asked them to allow mi to finish cryin jus for today.

now bloggin, i think of him again.

he was there for mi when i need him.

i did nth for him, but hurt him.

i don wanna tell anibodi about this.

i didnt say.

for the whole day today, i jus shut myself up in my room.

but i noe i need a shoulder.

but was stubborn enough to ask everybodi to leave mi as i am.

i am starting to close myself up from my frenx alreadi.

i am sorry to all of u.

is not that i don trust u all.

but u all cant do anithing for mi at all.

i am reali not a gd frenx either.

i doubt myself now.

how can i be a gd mother then.

tupid mi.

only noe how to do tupid things to make ppl upset.

only noe how to make ppl angry.

so tupid that i took him for granted.

so tupid that i olways do the wrong thing to upset my parents.

so tupid that i never do anithing rite.

i am so useless.

now only cryin and crying.

i feel so tired.

so tired of this life.

so tired of acting strong.

so tired that to pretend to live well without him this few months.

so tired.

xuemin