receive news today afternoon.

he pass away lerx.

i couldnt attend the furneral for the sake of baby.

i have went to the hospital for an hr but cryin outside the room.

i couldnt see him.

for the last time.

he fail to fight against his will.

his mum pass mi a letter, wrote by him.

all he wanted is mi to stay happi.

but did he noe?

i feel so sad that i couldnt even get to see him.

for the last time at least to hug him like he use to hug mi.

i suddenly misses him.

i was so quiet today.

i didnt tell anione too.

but when i reach back home i still gotto pretend nth happen.

but shut myself up in my room cryin, lookin into our pics.

he will be the best frenx i ever had.

i am so sorry my dear, so sorry.

u noe if i could change everything.

i will be wit u.

i don wanna be involve in ur will.

becos i don deserve to have ur things.

thanks for lovin mi and sorry i cant love u.

when i saw them pushin u away.

u noe i noe i dont wanna u to leave mi.

where is ur promise.

where are u now.

why u wanna leave mi when i need u.

i need a shoulder to cry on.

but i am still acting so brave infront of frenx.

at around 10 plus.

after settling something at home.

i went to ardmarity to find ys and zm.

ivy came too.

thou they noe i am unhappi.

but they didnt noe my reason.

but still manage to smile and laugh wit them jus for the 3hrs.

they send mi home and i ate the porriage that i wanted mum to cook for mi.

he cook fish porriage for mi once when i am not feelin well.

i wanted to eat.

so i asked mum to cook.

i finish eatin i hide in my room cryin again.

i miss him.

is forever, he is gone forever.

after awhile. i called mike to pick mi up to prince pub.

i am so sorry.

i drink again.

but today i wasnt drunk.

cos everybodi stopped mi.

the min i saw sam.

i cried.

i noe they are very worri.

but i couldnt stop cryin.

i wanted nobodi hug.

but all they could do is to see mi cry.

i don wanna be like a cry baby.

but i asked them to allow mi to finish cryin jus for today.

now bloggin, i think of him again.

he was there for mi when i need him.

i did nth for him, but hurt him.

i don wanna tell anibodi about this.

i didnt say.

for the whole day today, i jus shut myself up in my room.

but i noe i need a shoulder.

but was stubborn enough to ask everybodi to leave mi as i am.

i am starting to close myself up from my frenx alreadi.

i am sorry to all of u.

is not that i don trust u all.

but u all cant do anithing for mi at all.

i am reali not a gd frenx either.

i doubt myself now.

how can i be a gd mother then.

tupid mi.

only noe how to do tupid things to make ppl upset.

only noe how to make ppl angry.

so tupid that i took him for granted.

so tupid that i olways do the wrong thing to upset my parents.

so tupid that i never do anithing rite.

i am so useless.

now only cryin and crying.

i feel so tired.

so tired of this life.

so tired of acting strong.

so tired that to pretend to live well without him this few months.

so tired.

xuemin